Now that I have traveled 3000 miles alone from coast to coast, what does it mean to me?
Well I think this has a deeper meaning than just having fun traveling, or just moving. The meaning really came to me as I was close to the end of the travel.
As a PhD student I have to deal with a lot of uncertainties. Uncertainties about the experiments and projects at hands, uncertainty about whether I get meaningful findings out of my data, uncertainties about when and if I graduate, and uncertainties about the future in general. From time to time, I feel that the mental challenge is really a daunting one, and it is as difficult as, if not more than, any materialized challenge, such as writing a paper or a piece of code. At times the uncertainties provide a strong feeling of insecurity, that I don't know if I am doing any good, or if I will ever do any good. The feeling can occasionally becomes so intractable that I almost lose the courage to go on.
And this is a battle that lies within myself. It is hard to seek help about this. I have to work it out and convince myself that I can deal with uncertainties alone. With a plan that seems to be hard to follow from the very beginning, as I insist on it and give the whole heart to it, the challenges along the process can be worked out, and as I progress with persistence, I can eventually reach where I wanted to be.
So at the crossroad of my PhD study, I picked this cross-country driving as a test. A test for myself to prove that I can deal with uncertainties and work things out alone. Some people choose to run a marathon or climb a mountain. I happened to choose to drive.
And I made it. Although making such a trip is no big achievement to everyone else (I wouldn't put it on my resume or anything close to it), the reward really lies within my heart. Now I have convinced myself that uncertainties, in it self, is not formidable. The problem is whether I am willing to set my foot to a certain direction and move on. If I do, then most of the problems can be sorted out. It is rare for any meaningful tasks that one can see the whole path through from the beginning to the end clearly before setting off. But that is not a reason for not moving on.
It may read like an old story, but I think it as one that worth re-learnt by different ways. This is just my version of instantiation, by driving across the country alone in late summer 2006.
